Happy Friday everybody! Here comes the "ruffle some feathers" blog of the week. The topic? Open bar? Necessary at a wedding?
YES. IT. IS.
We're seeing a whole lot of blog posts on other wedding sites go up this week asking the question if people are having an open bar and is it OK not to offer one. We're also reading plenty of comments that basically say "if people need to drink at your wedding, then they are alcoholics."
Paint me "alcoholic" then. Anyway...
It's a wedding, and an open bar, or at the very least: wine, beer and a signature drink is *mandatory*.
There is the argument that open bar or alcohol is expensive. Right, but so are plenty of other things that you can cut down on when planning a wedding. The bar is not where you cut costs. We manage to save our clients money in every other category, but this is something we insist that they don't skimp out on. You can change your decor, cut your guest list, pick a less expensive time of year to get married...the list goes on. What you can't do is cut the alcohol. Diet Coke with dinner? Bad.
We also saw the argument that "my fiance and I don't drink" for not offering a bar. Whatever the reason is that you don't drink is fine, but you two are not the only people at the wedding. That's like offering soy everything because you're a vegetarian. Vegetarians eat soy, right? You have to cater to your guests. That's why it's called "catering". Your guests aren't necessarily looking to get wasted (though plenty will), but they do not want to have a soda with their chicken, beef or fish either.
Then there was the "if people don't want to come because there won't be alcohol, then I don't want them there," argument. Yes, you do want them there, or else you would not have invited them. Do you want your guests to pick vodka over you? This is a bad time to stand on ceremony and see who your "real friends" are. If it's a dry wedding, make sure that is clear in the invitation and that way your guests aren't surprised when they go to order a Pinot Grigio and are handed a Shirley Temple. Flask anyone?
The only thing worse than a dry wedding is a cash bar. STOP. THIS. MADNESS. Your guests are coming to celebrate your marriage and are spending the entire day with you. There are travel expenses (no matter how small), other things they could be doing, and a gift they will be giving you. To slap them in the face with a "that'll be $12" comment from your bartender is in really poor taste. Your guests should never have to take their wallets out at your wedding. Everything is included. They want to tip the bartender, the valet, the coat check, that's on them. However, paying for their drinks is so tacky and we hate it. We forbid you to have a cash bar.
That's really all there is to say on this. We know, we know, plenty of people will be up in arms over this but we have Emily Post on our sides on this one....and plenty of major wedding magazine editors, too.
Team Open Bar.
Finding the perfect photographer for your wedding or next big event can be a daunting task. Pretty much anyone can label themselves as a photographer now, so the first step is to find the professional amidst a sea of amateurs. Once you've done that, it's all easy right? Not if you're one of those people that thinks they are getting all of those pictures on a disc as soon as the event is over. Here comes trouble for you...that is, if you don't read this blog.
Many photographers we work with offer up various package options. In these packages you will see items like parent albums, engagement portraits, and other types of printing services. Now, you might be the person that only wants the pictures and would be find with them all sitting on a flash drive so that you can upload them to Facebook when you feel like it. Many people, however, want to use those photos in some sort of print form. Maybe they will be the "save the date" or invitation cover, perhaps they will be printed to hang above a mantel, or maybe they want an album for themselves or their parents. File all of that under "the photographer's job".
Yeah, sorry, but not too many photographers will be keen on the idea of handing you over raw files so that you can go print up a book on Snapfish. How unreasonable! It's ridiculous for what they are charging! Right? Wrong.
You hired a professional photographer so that your pictures will come out kick ass. After all, why are you spending all of that money on design, decor and wardrobe just to have some hack job with a big flash and long lens not take a single good picture? If it's that easy to realize that your photographer needs to be a good shot, then it should be even easier to understand that they want their work represented well.
If you take a picture that your photographer shot, and upload it to a picture book making site, the resolution is going to suck. Sorry, but there is no nicer way to say it. No matter how you choose to print it, whether you do it at home, at a store or send it off to some website, the picture will be grainy or blurry or distorted, but the bottom line is, it is NOT what you paid for. Now, the photographer's work looks like garbage because you didn't ask them to print it for you.
I could get into copyright issues here, but it's boring and if you are really annoyed with all of this, you will probably google it.
I've seen (and heard) many people start arguments with photographers that they "paid for" the prints, when in actuality, they didn't. They paid for the session and whatever else was in their package. My advice is to read the contract that the photographer gives you and truly understand it. If you don't understand it (and if you are assuming things) then speak with the photographer to make sure you are all on the same page.
Are there photographers that will give you your hi-res images on a disc? Absolutely. We think those images belong on your social media pages and should be emailed to anyone you want. We do not think those images should be printed. If you want them printed, go back to the photographer and work it out.
It's expensive? Yes, it probably is. But, in the long run, you want those images to look as perfect as the possibly can be. The only way to accomplish this is to go back to the photographer and talk to them about how to get your printing needs me. Whether it's before or after the party, it doesn't matter, but you should always go to the photographer about this.
Surely this blog has ruffled some feathers or those planning and already stretching their budgets. We're sorry, but this is something that had to be said. Too many blogs are out there stating that photographers basically "owe" their clients photos, when that is a lie.
Giving a gift to a couple for their wedding sometimes proves to be a difficult task for guests to accomplish. I am frequently asked what my recommendations are for a good gift to give a couple. I am also frequently told by my clients about the gifts they received that they hated, and worse yet, the gifts they never received from people that attended (drank and ate at) their weddings. Thus, here is today's blog.
First and foremost, is the couple registered anywhere? There are a few ways to find this out. Google is this nifty little website where you can search out things on the internet. Put in the couple's name, the word "wedding" and see what happens. If they are on www.theknot.com like many other couples, their registry will pop right up (if they have one). Of course, you could also go straight to TheKnot.com and use their search function to find the couple's registry and wedding information.
If nothing comes up, then flat out ask the couple if they are registered. If they didn't include a registry note with their invitation, they might have completed their registry after they sent out their mail. Trust me, if a couple is registered, they want you to know.
Once you have their registry, buy from it. I cannot tell you the amount of people that look at a registry list (and it could be a mile long) and say to me that they hate everything on there. Well good thing the gift isn't for you! A cardinal sin would be to buy something from the store they are registered at but ISN'T on the registry. Put down that Waterford bowl because they did not ask for it. You think they will love it anyway? I doubt it. Oh, they can return it if they don't? How nice of you to give them a gift they didn't want and then force them to bring it back to the store (because you have a lot of down time when planning a wedding) to get whatever credit they can. Do you like making store returns? Those lines at the register and the banter back and forth are your thing? I didn't think so.
BUY. FROM. THE. REGISTRY.
Now, no registry? No worries. That means they want money. That does not mean for you to go shopping somewhere else for *that gift* that they must have. Unless you are amazingly creative (and I mean really be honest with yourself), then do the easy thing that they want you to do: write out a check. At almost every single wedding there is a card box put out on a table. As soon as you get to the reception, drop your card off in the box and boom, you're done! That card needs to have a check in it. Seriously. A card with no check is no bueno.
Money isn't personal? They don't care. Really, trust me. I have never had clients complain to me about all of the checks they received at their wedding. Instead, they are putting that money to pay for whatever wedding expenses are left, or to a new house, or to other items that weren't purchased off their registry because Aunt Millie was super positive they wanted a particular slow cooker that they did not ask for.
Worst of the worst offenses: not giving a gift. I don't understand it, at all. Yes, there is this little bit of etiquette that states a guest has up to a year to give a gift after the wedding. I disagree with Emily Post right here. There is no reason to wait to give a gift. If you're having monetary issues, then speak with the couple and let them know. Don't play slick, show up to their wedding, drink their alcohol and eat the venue food that probably cost upwards of $150 for just you, and then not give a gift that same exact night. They had to pay for you in advance so you best show up with a gift.
Last piece of advice: don't leave your card on the table. While our clients don't have to worry about this, since we check the tables and hand deliver the card box to the person or place of our client's choosing, not everyone hires us (super weird, right?). If you leave your card on the table, odds are that the catering staff will wrap it up in the linens at the end of the night and your card will wind up in the laundry. Meaning you won't get a thank you note from the couple and that just leads to years of awkward run-ins where they want to ask why you didn't give anything and you want to ask why they didn't thank you.
That about covers the gift giving advice that we can offer. We hope that couples will share this as they plan their wedding because the truth is, a lot of guests don't know right from wrong. Education is important. The more you know....
You're invited to a wedding! You get the invitation with the RSVP card. It is addressed to you and your spouse. Well that's careless of them! You have two children...they must be so busy and stressed with planning the wedding that they simply forgot to write in "and family" on the envelope. You'll do them a favor and pencil in your children's names on your RSVP. What an awesome person you are....and thoughtful!!!
Nope.
When you receive an invitation, etiquette dictates that the people listed on the envelope, are the people invited. Does it say "and family"? If not, then your children are not invited. Does it say "and guest"? If not, then you are not welcome to bring a guest. It's pretty simple.
For some reason, it has become acceptable practice to write in the names of everyone you are bringing with you to the wedding. This is not an informal BBQ in someone's backyard, it's a wedding. You don't just get to bring anyone you damn well please. It's not an election ballot where you write in a name, it's your RSVP card where you either accept or decline. You don't add people. You just don't. No. Never. Ever.
Think that the host forgot to invite you with a plus one? Think they meant to invite you with kids but this was an oversight? If you really think that and it just doesn't sit well with you (although you should just build a bridge and get over it), then ask the host. Don't just write down "accepts" and add 5 more people to the guest list.
When planning a wedding, the number one thing that drives up the cost is the guest count. Perhaps your host can only invite a certain amount of people. You are now upping that number. And if it's OK for you to do, why is not OK for everyone else? That table chart that they have to create, which is basically the seventh circle of hell, just got a little more complicated because you want to bring a caravan of people.
Seriously: don't do it.
Your host will receive the RSVP with your written in names and will be put in a very awkward position. Do they call you and say "hey, you screwed this up," or do they let it slide as to not create drama? Are you a family member and they can't say anything to you because you'll run and tell their parents, and then their parents will scold them? You have now put them in a spot where nothing they do is going to be unacceptable and that's not fair because you are the one that created the problem in the first place. Frankly, if they call you and make you feel uncomfortable, you deserve it and bravo to them.
I hear this all of the time from my clients: so and so wrote in extra people, so what do I do? I tell them to call these people and politely apologize for any confusion the invitation might have caused. Clarify whom is invited and do not give a reason why. Why? Because it's your party and you're paying for it. If these people truly have a problem, then they don't need to come to your celebration. Yes, it is as black and white as just that.
If you have received an invitation and it's not what you want...meaning, you want to bring your +1 but weren't given that option, or want to bring your children and weren't given that option either, then simply decline the invitation. Do not call and explain why you aren't coming or what would need to change in order for you to come. Contrary to popular belief, planning a wedding is hard and time consuming and if you add to that stress, then you're "that person".
Don't be "that person". RSVP appropriately.
